Effective Preaching

1. 0:01The way we're going to talk about or the method we're going to talk about when we tell children.
2. 0:06You don't have to know the name to be able to do it, but it's direct assertive communication. It has a lot of pieces to it. You always want to use communication first with the child. It's never fair to just run up and ambush a child and start walloping them or yelling at them if they don't know what they've done wrong. Now, there comes a time if children know, I mean, when they run into the street, that's another time. You don't go, okay.
3. 0:31We're out here in the middle of the intersection. Let me tell you why this is wrong. That's different. Or a child about to fall in a swimming pool. You'll certainly go grab them. You wouldn't sit down and have the lecture first. But before you start to really use corrective discipline with a child, you do need to talk to them about what's going on and tell them what's about to happen or why it's happening because it gives the child the benefit of the doubt if you talk to them. It treats them with respect.
4. 1:02It makes sure the child understands the instruction. You'll ask the question like, and we're going to talk about this a lot, but you'll ask questions like, what is our rule? What is it that you did wrong? Give them a chance to see. What did I tell you to do? And not in a mean way, but just say, uh-oh, look at this room. What did I tell you to do? Oh, I told you to clean your room before.
5. 1:28We went to play. The room's not clean yet. What are we going to do about this? Guess we're not going to get to go play until we get the room cleaned up. That sort of talk is what I'm talking about rather than...
6. 1:43screaming and hollering when you walk in and see the room's not ready. Now, there can be some follow-up punishment. Well, the punishment's going to be they're not going to get to go play for a while. But you start by asking that, what is our rule? What did I tell you to do? Children really do forget sometimes. Like I told you, we would put my daughter in her room and we'd go back there and say, you can come out now. And she had forgotten all about being put in there. You know, she was just playing. And so actually, was that going to ever help her to remember not to do the wrong thing again? Probably not because it wasn't a punishment for her.
7. 2:12And so asking children, because they may have actually forgotten. A lot of times they'll pretend they have when they haven't, but sometimes they may have forgotten. So when communicating with a child, there are three parts that we want to think about first. First, always use it first. Be sure they understand it. And then first of all, your tone of voice. To gain their respect, but also to communicate that you mean business.
8. 2:41You need to use a tone of voice that's firm but not harsh or angry or mimicking or sarcastic or that sort of thing. Firm. And they will know when mom starts using that tone of voice, uh-oh, this is something I need to listen to. And so we say, now listen to me. This is what we're going to do before we go today. I want, before we go play at the park.
9. 3:06I want you to have your room cleaned up, and I'm going to come in, and I'll see it's cleaned, and then we'll go to the park. And, you know, you have a ton of voice. You'll say, listen to her until you get that room cleaned. You know, that, to them, it's just, they just don't respect. They may be very, very afraid of you, but there's not going to be the respect that you want. Okay, that'll be, we'll get to that one.
10. 3:44Later, that gets to the more complicated issues where we're talking about siblings fighting. But right now, we're going to just start with one child or two that we're communicating with, and we want to be sure that we've told them in a firm voice, not harsh or angry, not sarcastic. I can't stand it when parents talk sarcastically to their kids, you know. I mean, there are times to joke around with children when they're older. We can be funny now at our house.
11. 4:08you know, with children, but not when it comes to things that they're going to be held accountable for. If you're going to maybe punish them for that, you want to be sure that they're listening. Okay, I want you to listen to me. And that'll be, I'll start out that way. A lot of times I'll say, I need to tell you something. And they look up, you know, they're going to be sitting there playing video games. And I'll come in the room and I'll say, I need to tell you something. And not in a mean way, but they know, uh-oh, there's something I better listen to. And even sometimes they'll say, now what?
12. 4:35Now what when I'm about to walk out of the room? That was something big. I better be sure I got it, you know. So I'll go into the room and tell them that. And I'll usually start out with a phrase like that of something that they, you know, so they know. Instead of just saying, I'm leaving now. Be sure you wash the dishes. You know, because the dishes are never going to get done. But if I say, there's something. I want to tell you something. Or you're going to need to do something. I start out with that way. And I kind of make sure that I've got these other things going, which is eye contact.
13. 5:03that they are looking at me. They can't, if you've got a husband that watches television and you've told him something while he's watching television, can you really hold him accountable for that? Children are sometimes the same way. You've got to be sure you've got their eye contact off of the television, off the video game, looking at you during that time. But it's not just that. It's you getting on their level. If they're little,
14. 5:30You're going to get down on your knee or pull them up to where you are and say, now mommy's going to tell you this and this is what I want you to really do in a firm voice.
15. 5:40We're going to go to so-and-so's house and da-da-da. And we'll go through that in a minute, the words you use. But you get them where they're looking at you. And you don't have to say, look at me, look at me. You just get them up to where they can look at you or you're looking. Don't tell them when they just sit on your knees. And don't yell it from the other side of the house. You know, lay on the couch and yell instructions to people. Because that's going to cause...
16. 6:05friction later on. If you know for sure they were listening, they were looking at you, you were looking at them, and it's not staring or glaring. It's just like you have to do on commercials with your husband. Okay, wait, wait, wait. We're going to take a break here. I need to tell you something because if I just talk to Charles while he's watching TV, he's in a trance, you know, and I have to get him out of that trance to tell him what I need to. He's getting a lot better about that, but he has to turn the TV off and he actually just turns toward me to get.
17. 6:33because he just gets kind of in this state of hypnotism with the television. So same with children. So we want to get their attention and get their eye contact. If we just yell at them from the other room, we aren't sure that they heard. This way we know that we can hold them accountable. They've looked at us and we've told them in a firm voice. Next, our body posture. We actually should lean toward the child to show them it's important. And this is we're talking about little children.
18. 7:04You know, if you be close to them and you lean toward them to tell them, I think the next thing says to be physically close. No, it doesn't. But you're physically close to the child when you communicate with him. So that means if they're doing something outside, you don't stand up on the porch and scream, you know, to the next neighbor's house. Y'all quit throwing those beaches over there. You need to walk over there.
19. 7:29Get, and I don't want to say in their face because it's not confrontational and angry, but get to where you can see them and where you're close to them and say, okay, we're not going to throw peaches anymore. I want you to listen to me. We're not going to throw peaches. You're not throwing peaches or this is what's going to happen.
20. 7:45peach throwing in New Zealand. They don't throw peaches in Lubbock much. But we had a peach tree and the rotten peaches had fallen down and, you know, they were having this war. And for me to stand up on the porch and just yell, no peach throwing, you know, they just turn and throw a peach at me. So I had to go down. And these were other people's children with me. Go down and say, okay, this is it. I'm not going to do this anymore. But getting close to them just helps to...
21. 8:10show, uh-oh, she means business. Here she comes. This means business. She's coming in here where we are instead of screaming, y'all quit fighting in there to go in there and say, listen, you guys. It just makes more of an impact and gets more of their respect. And then your facial expression, relaxed and friendly. I'm not sure how friendly you look, but what it is is you don't look like you're about to kill them. You don't look out of control. You don't look like you hate them. You're still doing this out of love.
22. 8:39And so you may say, hey, you know, some little boys were throwing peaches when I was a kid, and one kid got his eye put out, which was a true story, except they weren't peaches, but got his eye put out. So I don't want you to throw peaches anymore. But, you know, you have it in an expression that's not like they are the worst people in the world. Jamin, I already told you this, but, you know, he had some rough years there, and when I would see him in the morning, he would come in, my jaws were hurting.
23. 9:05And I had a headache because I gritted my teeth so much. I don't think I look very relaxed and friendly. But I know, especially with teenagers, it works a lot better if you go in and not in a joking way when you mean business, but you're saying it in a relaxed, friendly, but firm way. It's the way I talk to people that I work with. I need that report by tomorrow. I want that on my desk by tomorrow. Okay, thanks. And I'll walk out. Now, that's a lot different than saying.
24. 9:32You know, going in and being angry. You better hurry up. I've got to have that report tomorrow. My people that work for me aren't going to appreciate that. So I try to, at home, talk with that same kind of voice. I need this. You know, this is what you're going to do. This is what I want you to do in a friendly way. Okay, the last part, and then we'll stop after this, is the words we choose. The words we choose make a huge difference. You notice that lady said...
25. 9:57As she walked through the house, that's it. I'm not going to buy any more football cards. And they knew she didn't mean it. And the words we choose make a big difference in how much they're going to respect us and how much they're going to obey us. And so what words do I choose? First of all, don't make it sound like you have wishes. You know, I wish you would do this when they don't have any choice about it. It's actually a command.
26. 10:28I would like for you to stop hitting your baby brother. So I wouldn't, you know, they just keep on. I wouldn't want to stop hitting him. And sometimes you will say things like that and the child will actually say it back to you and you realize, I want you to go, you know, I want you to go do this for me. Well, I don't want to do it. Oh, okay. Well, let me say it another way.
27. 10:52Go do this for me. So instead, don't give them a choice. Say it like you mean it. If they don't have a choice, they've got to stop hitting the baby brother. Then say, stop hitting your baby brother. You don't put it in like they have a choice. I wish you would. It sounds like you're begging and pleading. So think about it a minute before it comes out. I wish you kids wouldn't mind me. They just hope. So, you know, there's nothing. They don't care.
28. 11:20unless you word it a different way. All right, this is a big one, and I want to stop with this one for preacher's wives especially because use specific words that describe in detail the behavior you want from your child. Your child does not know sometimes the things that you know in your head about what's going to be expected of them in certain situations.
29. 11:48So you predict it. You know how this lady explained, okay, wait a minute, if you don't get Giants cards, no crying, well, we need to think ahead of different situations where our children are going to be and realize that there are different rules for different places. Of course, always we respect people and we're mannerly, but say at their grandparents' house,
30. 12:11They can run in and go to the cookie jar and get cookies. And it's fine to take cookies into the living room where grandma lives and sit on the floor and watch television or a video. And that's grandma's house. And she doesn't mind if they spill a little milk on the floor because she's just so happy to see them. Some grandma, some other grandma. Okay, but Miss Ima McFetridge, when you go to her house or Miss Opal Griffin, who's a lady in the congregation that you're going to go visit, may look like a grandma when they walk in.
31. 12:40They may think, you know, this is like Grandma's house. She may have the blue hair like Grandma or white hair, and they may see cookie jars or cookies laying out, and they don't know. That's okay at Grandma's. You really need to predict to them what they need to do. Okay, we're going to these people's house. We haven't been here before. So what we're going to do is we're going to go in, and wherever they ask us to sit, we're going to sit there, and I brought some books for you to look at.
32. 13:09and I want you to look at these books, and then we won't stay very long, and then we'll leave, all right? That's what we're going to do when we get into this house. And then you get in there. What if she says, would they like a cookie? They'll usually look up at you and say, sure, that would be great. You can have a cookie. And then you say,
33. 13:31You take the lead. Should she eat this cookie at the table? Why don't we sit here while she eats it at the table or wherever? You take the lead. Those children are going to be in so many different environments where so many different things are expected. You can't punish a child for doing things they had no idea was wrong in those different situations. They're going to learn it through the years. But I'm thinking when you first get out, be sure.
34. 13:58Fellowship dinners, if you don't want your kid to run up there first and pile their plate full, you explain to them, we're going to wait a little bit. We're not going first. We're going to wait and we're going to go through and you just get a reasonable bout of food on your plate, then we'll go back through. Don't get home and chew your child out and say, I'm so embarrassed the way you acted because that might have been okay. They have been a long time maybe since they've been to fellowship dinner. Sunset doesn't have them regularly.
35. 14:25So those kind of things that you're going to be in so many different situations, you need to predict for your child what is being good. I want you to sit with your feet on the floor, or I want you to not jump on the bed, whatever it is that you think they might run into. And that was so helpful to us. I hated visiting. We visited a lot of times with our children, and I hated that because you never knew what situations we were going to get into.
36. 14:50Some people, you know, they're dogs. They love their dogs, and the dogs will be all over you while you're trying to visit. My kids were scared of dogs, and I tried to say, please don't scream, you know, if they have a dog. And we had the real don't say yuck at the meal. If you don't like what they fed you, you know, then we'll stop later. We had all these things to get us through what was expected of a preacher or a missionary, and we lived to tell about it. So don't say just act better or be good. Explain to them what you mean by act better or be good.
37. 15:21So sit quietly with your hands in your lap while I talk to the lady behind the counter. I always had my bag of tricks, though, with me, with colors. Brynn loved these little Fisher Price nursery people, and she would play with those. If I could find a little place she could sit while we'd visit, she would play with those for a long time. But I didn't ever expect her just to sit with nothing to do as a little child. I always brought something along.
38. 15:45The problem was when Jamin came along, the things he wanted to do were big and knocked over things. You know, he didn't want to sit and do little fine motor skills. He wanted to, you know, kick balls and things in people's house. So then we had to, that was harder than with our daughter. All right, choose words that don't beg. And most of the books say don't count. Although I've seen counting used very effectively by parents when they followed it up with action.
39. 16:13If a child knew they just had to three, you know, one, two, three, and then they followed it up with some action, I've seen that used effectively. The books say don't count. I'm going to say you could use it, but that stuff about seven and a half, eight, eight and a half, I mean, that just gives the child that much longer to disobey. Don't say, please come here. I'm begging you to come here. Say, come here right now. And if the child doesn't come, then you state the next action. If you don't come to eat right now,
40. 16:43then your meal is going to be cold or you're not going to have a meal because everybody else is going to get the stuff. If they get teenagers, they need to come because everybody else is going to get their food and there won't be any food left. Of course, now the problem with microwaves, you used to say your meal will be cold and now they're smart enough to say, but I can carry it over to the microwave. Don't use rhetorical questions, questions that you don't really want them to have a choice about. Like, would you like to take your bath now?
41. 17:16Because what will their answer be, probably? No. So instead say, it's time to take your bath now. That makes so much difference. And when they're little, it may not be a problem for a bath. There gets a point in their, you know, seven, eight, nine-year-old boys, whoo, a bath. That's like putting them in a torture chamber. And so you have to say, it's time for your bath now. Or I'll say to, I used to say, okay, when are you going to take your bath? When do you want to take it tonight?
42. 17:46And then let him at least have some choice as they get older. Certainly they can arrange their schedule in the evening and tell you. But then go in and say, okay, it's five minutes until you told me it was going to be bath time. And that's when I want to see you in the bath. That sort of thing. Because you don't give them choices. They'll just turn right around and say, no, I don't want to. Don't you want to be a good little girl for your mother? No. Oh, okay. Don't make the same request over and over again like the lady in the grocery store that we talked about.
43. 18:21Just make the request once, and if you've done it with all these things, you're sure they've heard you, they were looking at you, they knew you meant business, that you weren't just joking around, then you should expect them to follow up. Don't make empty threats that you don't carry out. That was like the lady saying she's not going to buy them cards anymore. Don't make empty threats to a child.
44. 18:55It's just like don't make empty promises. Your words are how they're going to learn to respect you through the years. So they need to know they can count on what you're saying, good or bad. That mom means what she says when she says that. And the last one is don't make threats that you really don't mean. And that's things like, it's very similar to that other one. But sometimes we threaten kids with actions we know we can't do. If you don't...
45. 19:23Come, I'm going to leave you. You can't leave them at the church building. You're getting arrested for that. You know, and you can't leave them at home by themselves. That's it. I'm just going to leave you if you won't come. Or you can't feed them to the boogeyman or pinch their head off or hang them by their toes. My dad used to say, hang you by your toes. You can't do that.
46. 19:48We say those things and sometimes we're joking and being funny and that's okay with a kid. You know, if you're joking and they know you're laughing and you're in a different kind of voice and you're tickling them and you tell them these things. But to use it just to scare them is not right. I know that I've seen people at the doctor's office. Oh, I just can't believe it. But they'll sit out in that waiting room and say, listen, if you don't sit still, I'm going to tell the doctor to give you a shot.
47. 20:15That old mean doctor, he has a needle this long and he's going to give you a shot. Well, what about if you get back there and they need a shot? You know, shots are good things. And so to explain to a child not to use that as a threat. I remember one time in a Bible class, the teacher said, if y'all don't be quiet, I'm going to make you read the Bible. Now, what kind of threat is that? Is reading the Bible a bad thing? But I'll never forget he said that. You know, be careful what you...
48. 20:38throw out like that. What he meant was we were just going to sit and read the Bible out loud for the rest of the hour. But you know, you don't want kids to think that's a negative thing. So be very careful how we choose our words. Let me see if I've got anything here that I forgot. Hope not because there's the bell. We'll pick up there next time. Thank you all very much.

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